She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
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