the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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