I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
