the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Randomize