Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
