After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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