There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
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