I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Randomize
