i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
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