Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
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