some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
