nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
