Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Randomize
