I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize