I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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