I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Randomize
