just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
