I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
