Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Another day, another engagement, another cat
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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