3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
