His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
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