...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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