Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
