you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
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