I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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