so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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