I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
We need to rekindle our bromance
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
