I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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