I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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