His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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