There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
