I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
