I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
