I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Just invented taco cereal.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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