There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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