she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
