i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
