I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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