u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
All I want is dick and wine.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
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