Joe is yelling at the trees again.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
