Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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