1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize