What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize