Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
