My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
