Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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