She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
