the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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