I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
