I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
