Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize