she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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