I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
