don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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