Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
