Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
