My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Randomize