my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
